beauty

I'm a people watcher. i can't help it. people amaze me. i break it down to a science. i watch how people interact in day to day life and sometimes wonder how they made it so far.
one of my favorite things to do is sit myself down in a crowded Starbucks and just listen to how people interact. sometimes in these kids of settings you can hear the filthy underbelly of how some people really are.

on one such trip i listened to an older lady (about 60ish years old) go on for about an hour about how bad Starbucks was. apparently they made her coffee incorrectly and instead of asking for a new one she just sat and bitched about how this was some sort of micro-analogy of society as a whole. how Starbucks does not want to make you the coffee you want they make the coffee that they think you should be drinking. her husband just sat there the whole time listening to her bitch. i sat and listened to her bitch and was a little disgusted that all she wanted to do was bitch and not do anything about it.

hey bitch, here's a piece of life lesson for you. get it your fucking self!
i mean seriously. why would you go to a Starbucks and bitch about the coffee for a fucking hour and not do anything to correct the issue?

seriously.

on another people watching adventure i watched as two girls(15ish) spend many a minute in the mirror of a bus station bathroom priming their hair and make up to perfection.

it made me think about being that age. i remember so desperately wanting to be my own person. i was so different from other girls. i didn't dress the same. my body wasn't the same and i saw life differently. but i so wanted to be beautiful. wanted to be seen as accepted for all that i was but outstanding for what i was as well.
with out criticism. i think i hardened myself by being so different.
i would kill myself to please people. to be accepted for who i was. it was so important to me i could drown in a sea of poor self worth. very few people took the time to actually know me, the real me. just like a tortoise the shell was enough to keep people away.
i starved myself to be attractive. i got beat up to be accepted. anything.

i see now. how important it is to be beautiful. not just to yourself but for other people to see you as beautiful and seek out your individual beauty. very few people will recognize it because it comes out very seldom. those who can see it are very special people. it takes a special person to really see someones true beauty.

dear anonymous reader.

oh my shit i have 600-something views to my blog. i wonder if anyone actually reads my shit regularly. amazing to think that someone may have this fucker book marked on their favorites and reads my inane banter.
if you do, thanks. if not, i am not offended.

jessie

i miss jessie



i lost most of my friends when i had kids. most of them disowned me or just don't have time for me. because i don't really drink and go fuckin nuts every night like i used to, but jessie always has time for me. shit, he makes time for me.


( circa 2003ish lots of cocaine and cheap drinks at the boiler room)

the woman beater

talking shit about your ex does not speak very highly of yourself, but a picture is worth a thousand words.





yes, i am aware of the fact that i have no eyebrows

valerie

been knitting an ugly blanket. ugly blankets consist of a hodge-podge of different colors of yarn that would never normally go together, but once put together are sentimentally cute like a bull dog. I'm pleased with it so far.

much of the yarn i have was gifted to me from a family friend who just recently passed away.Betty. i think about her every time i sit down and knit. i never had a chance to really speak with her. she was a friend of Aaron's family and in the short time that he and i have been with each other i had only really met her once. at 90(something) years old she knitted a sweater,booties and a blanket for my daughter. i think about the hands that made them, all of the things she has touched. how she lived through world war two. she raised kids and had a family. she knitted blankets for the war vets at the hospitals and nursing homes. i think about all of this and wonder why she gifted these things to me.

i carry a lot of weight as a mother and a wife.my cup and clock are always full and yet i feel like i could do so much more. i could give more and make an impact.like she did.

i think about a lot of things when i sit down and knit. social situations politics. i think about how the world went and got it's self in a big god damned hurry. i wonder why the picture on the wall isn't so evident for everyone to see. socially we are digging ourselves into a hole. we are separating everyone into boxes of minorities and then telling them that they are like everyone else, but not.

i think about how the media represents blacks,mexicans asians and the like in such a negative light and then tells the white community not to discriminate. they show hoards of immigrants trying to find a better life and tell us that we're better off just kicking them out. then they have the gall to tell us we have no right to feel anything negative about any sort of minority after blasting us with countless hours of ignorant and racist commentaries about gang violence and the real world of "colored" people. they have so tightly packed these poor people into a niche that they can't get out of it and have to propagate what they have been told that they are. so who's really to blame?

who's really responsible for these ill groomed social graces? no one makes the decision anymore. they just turn on the tv and wait to be told how to think.

how to make a kick ass blueberry crumble

1. a fuck-ton of blue berries in an 8" square baking pan.

2. 2/3 cups brown sugar

3. 1/2 cups old fashioned oats

4. 1/2 cup white flour

5. 1 tsp cinnamon

6. 1 tsp nut meg (i use less cause nutmeg is strong as shit and can make something taste like shit real quick)

7. 1/3 cup softened butter or margarine. or if you're like me you use 1/2 cup...oops

blend all non fruit ingredients until crumbly and spread over fruit.

bake for 30(ish) minutes in a 375 degree oven, until golden and fruit is soft.


i fucking rock. i just want to get that out in the open right now. i picked up 4 steaks, potato(s), mushrooms for sauteing, broccoli, fixing for green bean casserole and of course i made a super ass-kickin blue berry crumble. at 5:00(ish) pm tonight i will be firing up the grill and strumming your pain with my sweet cherry ass culinary skills.

you could shit your pants wishing i was your wife. go ahead. do it. i might be fat, but at least i take it in the ass and can cook.

went to a huge party last night that was fucking awesome. a few kegs a bunch of svelte girls in their early twenties parading around half naked and a fucking keg! who could ask for anything more?

i also got a sweet ass tattoo. i mean, it's sweet and it's on my ass.

look at me! woooooooooo!!!

so i knit now. don't know if i mentioned that but i do.
i guess I'm just some kind of jack-off of all trades. i like it though. it relaxes me.
i need as much of that (relaxing) as i can fucking get cause i feel like i am always at the helm of some form of insanity.
i like being functional and productive. i helps me.

work is the same, a little better but nothing to really mention. i mean i guess i just did mention it...but.

randomly i have managed to be some brand of informal confidante to people who choose to share their personal business with me. not that i mind being a gigantic ear. it's always nice to know you have someone to listen to you and know that you have been heard.

someone who you think may understand even if they have no clue where you are coming from. i get this a lot from customers at work. they just spill the fuckin beans like I'm Dr.Laura (or Dr. Ruth at times) . wow a divorce, wow your wife cheated, wow your kid died. holy shit please open up a new department for me and call it: "Jamie listens to you bitch"
maybe i could get paid more for that? doubtful, but worth a shot.

a lot of friends and random acquaintances have been sharing with me a lot lately too. as if i am out of the loop enough for their words to never have to reach other peoples ears. not like i would ever give up any confidential information. what people tell me is on a one to one basis. i never slip it out to anyone.
i think it is just good to have someone who is outside of the realms of your own personal world who can look at your situation and give you prospective.

i had a friend like that when i was younger. i could tell him anything with out judgement or unwanted advice. he would listen to everything. i miss him sometimes. he knew me better than almost anyone. except maybe Aaron. he knows me better than i know me.

i am sick and i need to clean. i feel like i just took a mental dump and need to take a nap.


heres a personal picture share.

me circa 2004(ish)

one year

i like adding pictures to my blogs. makes it feel more like an editorial than a shameful peek into my personal thoughts.

on the dreaded 7-7-07 Aaron and i celebrated the anniversary of our first year of wedded bliss.
which by that way is lovely, but not with out many challenges. i think we have managed to cram into about 3 years what most people accomplish in about 10. both with hurdles and blessings.

two kids,a shit load of debt and a lot of communication left our heads in a constant spin.
i wonder if life will ever calm down or if it will always be chalked full of oddities for us..

Aaron fits me well. very well. freakishly well. he was nothing like any guy i had ever dated or been friends with. he is ever willing to change and accept new things. he listens so well and is a very introspective person. he is aware of his own faults and is aware of his strengths as well.
he is an amazing artist and a wonderful father.

it's pretty fucking amazing that we happened upon each other when we did. who knew my friends where right when they though a complete stranger would be perfect for me?

all in all a wonderful first year of marriage and a wonderful 3 years+ being together with the most perfect partner in crime.

the wordy and sentimental side of me

this house is so painfully empty with out the kids here. coming home is just not the same when i am not greeted by two smiling faces and squeals of excitement.
my children have been a great blessing for me, but not with out without a barrage of self realization. both have been amazing and painful all at the same time.

upon becoming a mother you are given no hand book( not matter how many they try to publish) no real good advise and no idea how to survive 10 million sleepless nights and days.
I'm sure most people are familiar with the whole sleepless nights aspect of having kids for the simple reason that kids (believe it or not) don't always sleep through the night right out of the gut.
even if you don't have kids you are made particularly aware of this.
what most people won't tell you is that once they do sleep you stay awake worrying about why they didn't wake up...are they still breathing?..are they cold?....maybe I'll just check on the kids a couple more times before i go back to bed.
or you relish the time of peace and take advantage of the free time to do some you-time-type-stuff. cleaning,hobbies,cleaning,sex(sex, by the way, does not exist anymore.)

no one tells you that you have a person. a formed personality sponge who has a mind of their own. believe it or not your kid will have their own schedule and idea of how shit is going to be.
they have their own tastes for people,outings and food.
"what do you mean you don't like cooked,canned, and pureed peas? every body like that shit"

somewhere along the lines of growing up being a responsible person, you forget what it was like to be a kid. everything is new. they don't know that you've seen an airplane countless times it's 100% new and bad ass to them.

you forget that you have to make time for yourself or you will have no time at all. finding that even spot between mom and who you are is a very hard thing to do. it is something that i struggle with everyday. i miss my kids when they are not here, but sometimes i wish i had more free time to explore more of my own personal likes and dislikes. i never complain about not having free time because i chose mother hood. it is not something that was just thrown into my lap. it was something i accepted with open arms.

i think so many things come with that. that you never know how to fully accept all of them.
postpartum depression is huge for me. i have it. i live with it and i have no outlet for it. i have tried to tell everyone close to me that i need help and that i am no well inside of myself, but it falls upon the deafest of ears. i make time for everyone. the kids first and foremost. then the husband, then other members of our family unit and by then i have been sucked dry and there is no time for me.
i feel like a jelly fish baking on a dry beach. i have given over 100% of myself and found little reciprocity for others in the way of help.
every load of responsibility has been dropped in my lap. like..."your mom now, here's your papers, your kids and your bills. have fun with that"

i know it wasn't as simple when my grand mother did it, but life was different back then. the pinnacle of most(not all) women's life was marriage and kids. that's what you did. you worked if you had to, but not if you didn't.

now there is the unspoken social expectation that you must manage a full time CEO position, have multiple college degrees, win bread,suckle multiple mouths at your teet, look fabulous,run 10 miles, cook like a gourmet chef and fuck like a porn star.

now i can multi-task like a mother fucker, but seriously. i think i have this shit jumbling it's self around in my head every day. i have to go to work, when i get home i have to do laundry, wash the dishes, make dinner, clean the bathroom, clean the bedroom, clean the house room, clean the car, play with the kids, talk to the day care lady, make Dr's appointments, make nice with extended family.

some of these things can wait till after i see the kids, wait till after we get to play and i can put on my mommy hat and enjoy the most wonderful two people inside of my life (that's not counting my husband who makes three) watch them grow and learn.

this self realisation i was talking about is difficult at times. i forget to find myself in the everyday stressful/not-so stressful daily activities that i do regularly with out help in a mind that is a mess of hormones. holy crap

holy fucking morning bat man.

so. Jerry Falwell died,Billy Graham's wife died and nothing happened.
no scandal. no skeletons in the closet. no dead hookers. i have to say I'm a little disappointed at these religious icons for not having more doo doo stains on the underwear of life.

you know there will be one more Cristian icon to kick the bucket and they better be fucked up or my out look on life will forever be skewed.
i mean that's what happens when these fuckers go. someone realises that they had aids, or a fish fetish. or something fucked up like that.
i would even accept something not so fucked up like cross dressing. i think Jerry Falwell would have looked astonishingly fabulous in a pair of red pumps. it would have done him some good too. that guy obviously had some pent up issues.(mommy).

i have nothing shitty to say about billy graham's wife, cause well she kinda flew in under the radar. she didn't have any social quips or catch phrases that stole your heart like the poorly-timed-Marie-Antoinette-esque-shamefully-ignorant "just say no" quip that rendered such praise for our lovely Nancy Reagan. bless your stupid heart you withe

red old chihuahua.

i wonder who's next

I don't know shit about shit

i rarely ever spell check either. i have a few people that constantly call me on this and i would just like it jotted down that i don't give a fuck. cause if it did i probably would have fixed it by now.


in other news...

apparently (this is not new news to me) my daughter hates sleep because she is a "high needs baby"
are you kidding me? aren't all babies technically high needs? i mean seriously. babies are needy that's why they have parents. i mean it's not as if i just crapped my kids out and the next day they were off to their full time job at the office.

i think that is what wrong with parents these days. they just assume their kids are this fully functioning machine that runs it's self. how could you expect a brand new person to just know how to sleep, eat and not shit them self?
everything a child knows they learn from the world around them. they learn to be impatient from their family, they learn to be abusive from their family they also learn to love and be loved from their family. this is why it is so important to be attentive to your kids needs.

you can imagine my surprise when i was advised that i had a "high needs" baby.
i said to myself "self, this is some ole bull shit. there already trying to put some sort of mental diagnosis on my kid and she's not even a year old." how about this... i am helping mold an already formed personality. she has her own schedule and a way that she does things. i mean i wouldn't expect my neighbor to keep the same eating, shitting and sleeping schedule as me. so why would i expect my kids to?
don't put so much thought into it. seriously. enjoy what you have when you have it. kids are awesome and a challenge but no one forced you to have them.

....


i have been doing a lot of thinking lately. mostly because we're so painfully broke right now that i have nothing to do but think. well that and crochet...which brings more thinking. thinking isn't bad it just brings up more shit that i have to deal with.

like in-laws, kids, playing, pets, cleaning, food making, bed making, car washing, self grooming, diaper changing, sleeping and getting everything done as well as working a full time job in what seems like an ever closing gap of a day.. i realise more and more as i blossom as a person that there is never enough time in a day. you just have to pick and choose the things that you really want to spend time doing and accept the rest as shit that will have to wait. if you're a control freak like me this shit is hard to accept.

i always feel like i have to cram so much shit junk and crap into one day and get it all done or i feel like an unproductive piece of shit.

this will change i am sure, but right now that is my struggle.
blah.

i got fucked by dick

so my husband aaron and i went to look at cars on sunday(06-10-07). we went to dick hannah to see if they had any dodge avengers. didn't really see any so the sales guy showed us our other choice which was a PT cruiser.

it's a 06 with 999 miles and still under factory warranty. sticker price was something close to $17,000.00. so that car guy takes into the show room does some finagling (dictionary.com = fi·na·gle;to practice deception or fraud; scheme.) with some "lenders" and got us financed for the car. first they were asking 4,000 down with 260 payments a month. we told him 2,500 down 250 a month. then he said ok, 2,500 down but 350 a month 15.5% interest. ok that sounds reasonable.

so we get it down on paper. the guy in the "financing" department has us sign a stack of papers and gives us options for gap insurance and extended warranty. sweet ass. our payments go up to about 400 a month, but with an extended warranty(5 years something thousand miles) and gap insurance i can justify paying about 50 bucks more a month. the car is grinding gears from 4th to 3rd or the other way around. i don't know. i didn't drive it.

so they agree to get the tranny fixed then hand the car over to us.it's still under warranty so it is free to get it fixed.
we pick the car up on tuesday.

drives like a well oiled vibrator. we think we're said and done good to go ready to be on our way to being the proud owners of a fancy new-ish pt cruiser.

wednesday i get a call from our friendly friends at dick hannah saying that something came up with financing and they need us to come back and sign some papers. just a formality i am assured. apparently the bank will only finance us for the price of the car. no extras like gap insurance or an extended warranty. ok,i can understand that. it's a pain in the ass, but i can understand it. yes, we did sign a CONTRACT with then for those things at that rate and were assured everything was fine.
(apparently they can change their contract with us any time, but it is 100% legally binding for us.)

well, aaron has to work graveyard and i am the only one who is able to come in and sign the papers.i go into the showroom am escorted into the "financial advisers" office and she sits me down and explains to me that the bank will only cover the cost of the car no extras. she wants me to sign immediately for this car.

she re-advises me that Washington has no "cooling off" period where you can renig on a contract. thats bull shit. it's a federal law that we(anyone) have the right to rescind a contract with in 72 hours of signing it. that it, unless you sign away that right to rescind by initialing a part of a contract that states you understand that washington has no "cooling off" period.

so while i have this rhino of a woman yakking in my ear i am relaying her information to aaron who agrees with me, that it's cool. we're essentially paying 50.00 less a month for the same car with the same interest. right? so aaron says this is kinda some bull shit that we have to re-sign this shit,but it's cool he just wants it in writing that the bank is approved and we're not going to have to come back to this polished hell hole until some money exchanges hands.

aaron is at work so i tell her that i will have to sign these papers then take them home to my husband who will also sign them. she gets approval from her manager for me to bring the papers home and have him sign them and bring them back to her.

she goes over the papers with me. re-noting the price of the car. the interest rate(15.5%) "which is great!" she says cause they got me at 15.5% where the bank wanted me at 16.9%. although she dwarfs me by about 7 inches in height and a good solid 80lbs i can tell that i make her nervous. i better make you nervous bitch. you're fucking with my money therefor in the long run fucking with my family.

i tell her i'm going to need this approval in writing. she seems more than happy to give me this piece of paper that says all the limits of our lenders lending and theres a little check by the word approved. she says "i'm not sure if i am supposed to make a copy of this for you so don't bring it back with you tomorrow" i have to come back to this place again to bring more papers and more information and more work and gas on my part to get you what you want from me. i understand. i am a very fucking understanding person. i am willing to do some work to get my shit. just don't jerk me around. i work in sales too. i know you don't get everything for nothing, but seriously.

so all is said and done we shake hands at each other and i go home. another night spent after work away from my kids. i got to see them for maybe 30 min then it was their bed time.

well i am more than just a little perturbed at how the numbers keep changing on us and why is it that a contract that i had to sign again on Wednesday 06-13-07 is dated 06-10-07?
sounds a little shady to me. maybe a type-o? lets hope.

next day(06-14-07)

i go to work come home talk with aaron about the papers and all the logistics of what we're signing. he understands. the bank will only finance the cost of the car no extras. price is still the same, interest rate is still the same, the car is still cool. aaron goes to work

i do not pass go, i do not pick up my babies from daycare and take them to the park and play, i go to dick hannah and bring in my paper work AGAIN. so it sit down with our friendly neighborhood Scheiße Slinger and we get down to explaining the papers again. i sign acknowledgement that we are not going to finance gap insurance or extended warranties with our loan. the monthly payment is going to go down about 50.00....wait....no...our greasy little friend has noticed a discrepancy on our papers. oopies! apparently our payment has magicked it's self from being about 346 and some change to being 361 and some change and un oh! out interest rate went up.

oh no, this is all wrong he says. she must not have told me last night that the numbers changed. she didn't tell me last night. OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA, how funny. last night when i was here. last night when i already went out of my way to come down here away from my kids and family. last night where she agreed with me that i was going to have a lower rate and keep the same interest. my interest rate sucks, why make it any worse?
last night when she told me they had it in writing that i was approved for this amount with this interest and this is all said and done.
this is starting to feel like a game of good cop bad cop.

our friendly loan friend excuses himself from my presence and leaves the room to go confer with an associate. he comes back with this other nervous guy in tow who says that he is the sales manager and he is sooooooo sorry for all of the misconceptions. he waves a couple of Starbucks gift cards in my face as a consolation for raising my interest rate my monthly rate and of course dropping my gap insurance and my extended warranty. hey that really makes up the diff there you fat fuck. sure makes up for paying 21,717 for a car with an asking price of 15,555...oh wait that changed too 14,444.i am quite sure it will change again.
so he prints a NEW contract up. with our NEW information and numbers on it. i look and the dates strangely enough reads 06-10-07, but today is 06-14-07. hrm...

so i tell him. i am going to come back in tomorrow with my husband and we're going to clear this up. i go home. i go to the park with my babies and i try to make the most of another evening that was wasted at the dick hannah dealership.

i won't have to deal with them again till tomorrow...or would i?

i get a call. it's Ezra. our "financier" he just wants me to know for legal reasons that i have 4 days to finalize everything and i still have the right to bring the car back if i can't find something that works, but he knows i don't want to do that. so he'll be more than happy to finalize everything right over the phone for me right now without any further delay.are you fucking with me? do you think that you're going to shawshank your way up my balloon knot because my husband isn't here to kick your dick in the dirt? do you have any idea that you're fucking with the actual mean one? i mean i am understanding to a point, but don't fuck with me.

i tell him that i am not about to make any snap decisions with out my husband. i tell him i will see him tomorrow and we are not moving forward with a motherfucking thing till i get in the sack with my husband.

go fuck yourself straight to hell.

i tell Aaron the strange turn of events and he calls the gent to give him what for.
once again i will be spending another night this week at dick Hannah.

Three easy steps

I got an IUD.
for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a small little doo-hickey that the put into your uterus with a slow release of hormones or a copper coil that keeps you from making babies.
it hurts like a mother fucker, but totally worth it for 5-13 years of baby free love makin( or just plain ole every day fuckin, which ever you prefer)

First off. my doctor was a prick. a class "A" dick head. maybe i should rewind a little bit.

i am a baby factory and make them one right after the other (i have two) while i was in the last stages of my pregnancy my doctor,husband and i decided that it was probably a good idea to get some form of B-C that was a little more substantial than just the mini pill. so i opted for an IUD.
not a big deal 8 weeks after my delivery i am slated to get an IUD. i have a consultation visit with my obgyn for the device we talk about the goods and bads of it and decide we would like to move forward in getting this implanted. wrong.
the insurance says that they won't cover it and it'll cost me $500.00 dollars. like i have that kind of money flying out my ass.

fast forward to a few months later. i check with my insurance again and low i am covered for it $50.00 co-pay. sweet ass.
so i have to schedule another consult for my IUD. i see a doctor who is really cool. she asks a few questions.
no, i have never had an abnormal pap.
no, i have never had an STD
yes, i am married

she says great, sounds like this will be perfect with you we just have to clear it with your insurance and order it we will be calling you in about a week.
awesome.

a week or so later i get a call from that lady that works scheduling for the Dr's office. i schedule an appointment. not with my regular Dr, but some random doctor who had better scheduling that was like a few days away instead of a few weeks out. no big deal i don't mind having some random doctor take a look at my goodies.
I'm not a picky person which makes for great scheduling when it comes to vagina doctors.
my mistake.
i know i don't exactly look like the shining image of motherly opulence, but seriously.

so i get to my appointment. after waiting about an hour in the room the doctor finally comes in. he asks me if i had a pap recently. yes.
was it abnormal?no.
have you ever had an STD? no.
I.V. drug user? no.(what the fuck?)

then he begins to tell me that he's apprehensive about going forward with the procedure because he thinks it has been too long since i have had a pap and a bunch of other bull shit.
so i advise him that this form of birth controlis something that my doctor and i had agreed was the best bet for me (outside of tieing the ole tubes) as a form of preventing any further unplanned pregnancies.

so he asks me if i have ever had gonorrhea or chlamydia. nope. syphilis? NO.
i tell him i was tested for all of these things when i was pregnant. I'm starting to wonder what the fuck this asshole is trying to get at . told him i have had a total of two consults for this and both doctors thought it was a good idea.
he finally tells me (after almost making me cry) that he's going to do it, but he wants to first test me for chlamydia,gonorrhea and syphilis any way and if i come back positive then I'm going to have to come back for treatment and they'll have to take the device out.
hey, way to go asshole. good job at making yourself look like a real prick.
i tell him that i am married and have been with the same person for years. it's like i am talking to a wall.

so, i am on my back getting swapped and scraped for diseases i KNOW i don't have. this is uncomfortable in it's own right even if i was just there for a routine check up. it would still be uncomfortable. then on top of it all i got to sit through this guy opening up my cervix and inserting a plastic device into my uterus. ouch, by the way. it hurts just about as bad as labor pains and for a few days. it was like a bad cash for sex operation. i felt like that hooker from American psycho. i get all opened up and treated like shit then he has the balls to say, i left a pad on the chair for you so you don't bleed on your clothes.
thanks Patrick Bateman.

what a DICK! DICK! DICK!!!!

you're an asshole.

well to add insult to injury i haven't been able to take a shit since.
i don't know if the cramping fucked with my intestines or what, but i have been taking laxatives for days and still nothing.

what the fuck