Thursday, March 13, 2008


Please. let me share with you.

I paid about as close to $600.00 dollars as you can get without it actually being $600.00 dollars to get this little piece of plastic inserted into my uterus. This little piece of plastic that was offered to me with high regard and rave reviews.My OBGYN had nothing but 99.999999999999% of awesome things to say about this form of birth control. He'd only had to remove one. Who wouldn't know more about that than an OBGYN? I would, just ask me all about it.

I wanted to be able to nurse my daughter and not have to worry about the chances of getting pregnant. That is, until my husband and I decided that it was time to have another child.We needed something that was more effective that the "mini pill" because that is what I was on when I got pregnant with my daughter.

I said no, originally.I was not comfortable with implanted birth control. My OBGYN rather insisted and said it was the best. I said I would think about and I would let him know what I decided. He gave me some leaflet about the product from the manufacturer. It was a nice read. Almost like a box of tampons, you can swim, go horseback riding, get busy like there was no tomorrow with all the whimsy and carefree that anyone who doesn't have to worry about having kids does. Only side effects were the regular ones, spotty periods, and chance of stroke if you smoke, minimal mood swings and all that other jazz.I look online. Because we all know that nothing is as brutally honest as the dear sweet internet. Nothing bad was to be found.

when you do a Google search for Mirena IUD.You see tiny birds and flowers and things like:

Mirena IUC offers a long-term birth control option without sterilization

Mirena IUD and its approval by the FDA

Longer, heavier, and more painful menstrual periods, but this is much less common with the Mirena IUD

Keep it simple with Mirena IUC birth control

Want hassle-free, 99.9% effective birth control for up to 5 years (or less, if youChoose) Mirena® is an estrogen-free intrauterine contraceptive (IUC) for women who are looking for a contraceptive option to help simplify their lives. It's for women who have decided their families are just the right size; it's for expectant mothers to consider after they have had their baby, and it's for women who aren't satisfied with their current form of contraceptive. And, it can be removed at any time for a quick return to fertility.

Like to keep life simple? Then Mirena may be right for you. Of course, there's some important safety information you should know. »Candidates for Mirena have had a child, are in a stable relationship, and have no risk or history of ectopic pregnancy or pelvic inflammatory disease. Mirena does not protect against HIV or STDs. Ovarian cysts may occur and typically disappear. Complications may occur from placement. Missing periods or irregular bleeding is common in the first few months, followed by shorter lighter periods.1. Your healthcare professional may advise you to periodically check yourself once Mirena is placed.2. Studies show your chances of getting pregnant after Mirena is removed are similar to women who had not been using any form of birth control.

This is the "safety information" you should know.This does not sound bad at all.I checked the FAQ's for the most important question

Q. Will it hurt?A. Some women may experience some discomfort while Mirena is being placed. Uterine cramps, which feel like menstrual cramps, and dizziness may also occur, but typically disappear within a day or two. Notify your healthcare professional if pain and other symptoms persist.

And also:Q. What about side effects?A. In clinical studies, the most common side effects with Mirena included:* Menstrual changes* Lower abdominal pain (cramps)* Acne or other skin problems* Back pain* Breast tenderness* Headache* Mood changes* Nausea* Ovarian cysts have been diagnosed in about 12% of Mirena users. In most cases, the enlarged follicles disappeared spontaneously during two to three months of observation.

OK, so we have now looked not only at the medical websites that display the wonderful attributes of this little piece of plastic, but we have read the website about all the fun stuff that it does. In hindsight I truly don't remember finding anything bad about it. Besides we're all invincible. Nothing bad happens in real life. Its birth control, it's easy.Right?

I should have known to stay away from this when I got a call from my obgyn office and my insurance wouldn't cover any of the cost to get the IUD. It would be $500.00 dollars plus the cost of inserting it.We are broke at this time in our lives. It is 8 weeks post partum and we are painfully broke. I still have yet to get any of the money I am supposed to get for 6 weeks worth of paid maternity leave.( it takes about 12 weeks for it to finally get to me if you're wondering) I have bills going to collections and things getting shut off. I am mental from post partum depression. I want to kill myself. Seriously it was that bad.

I finally go back to work; we're using rubbers and keep saying that I need to get something a little better than rubbers for BC. Because in this advanced day and age there is no pill for men. It is the woman’s job to make sure that this is taken care of. It’s mine.So after a few months I finally call my family practice and ask about getting one. They say great, we need to get you in for a consult first then we're good to go. I have seen 1 dr about this already. I didn't go back to my ob because my family practice is like 2 blocks from my house. I can walk there.

I go to my consult. She asks if I am married, if I had a pap all that good stuff.Yes, yes, yes everything is good.So she says yeah, this is great for you.I have to call your insurance to see what they cover, order it and get you an appointment once that done.A few weeks later I get a call from my dr office, it is in, my insurance for it is just a $50.00 co pay and I am good to go. If I want it done as soon as they can get me in they can get me with a different dr in a week(ish)So I get to my appointment.

After waiting about an hour in the room the doctor finally comes in. he asks me if I had a pap recently. Yes.Was it abnormal? No.

Have you ever had an STD? No.

I.V. drug user? No. (What the fuck?)

Then he begins to tell me that he's apprehensive about going forward with the procedure because he thinks it has been too long since I have had a pap and a bunch of other bull shit.So I advise him that this form of birth control is something that my doctor and I had agreed was the best bet for me (outside of tying the ole tubes) as a form of preventing any further unplanned pregnancies.

So he asks me if I have ever had gonorrhea or Chlamydia. Nope.

Syphilis? NO.

I tell him I was tested for all of these things when I was pregnant. I'm starting to wonder what the fuck this asshole is trying to get at. Told him I have had a total of two consults for this and both doctors thought it was a good idea.

he finally tells me (after almost making me cry) that he's going to do it, but he wants to first test me for Chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis any way and if I come back positive then I'm going to have to come back for treatment and they'll have to take the device out.

Hey, way to go asshole. Good job at making yourself look like a real prick.

I tell him that I am married and have been with the same person for years. It’s like I am talking to a wall.

So, I am on my back getting swapped and scraped for diseases I KNOW I don't have. This is uncomfortable in its own right even if I was just there for a routine checkup. It would still be uncomfortable. Then on top of it all I got to sit through this guy opening up my cervix and inserting a plastic device into my uterus. Ouch, by the way. It hurts just about as bad as labor pains and for a few days. It was like a bad cash for sex operation. He even has the nerve to tell me that I have an abnormally large uterus. I felt like that hooker from American psycho. I get all opened up and treated like shit then he has the balls to say, I left a pad on the chair for you so you don't bleed on your clothes...sign this paper.

This is the first lie.

I got a bill in the mail. Nothing was covered by my insurance. Not a red fucking cent. I paid a $50.00 co-pay which I was told would cover it all and now I am looking at a HUGE FUCKING BILL I just got back to work after maternity leave on a commission based job and I have no commission built up.FUCK.

This is the second lie.

The mirena IUD is in fact painful. Not discomfort. It hurt like a mother fucker and I couldn't stand up straight for a couple of days. not to mention shit, walk, or pretty much handle anything more than laying with my knees pulled up to my chest.It fucking hurt. I’ve had two kids. I know what pain is like. This fucking hurt. It felt like he had two hot pokers going up the sides of my pelvis. To this day I will say it is probably by far the MOST painful thing I have even been through.About two weeks after insertion I had a searing pain in my side. The right lower quadrant of my pelvis. It felt like sharp, poking, searing, pain.

I bled for a long time. Then not at all for monthsI thought all of this was normal.You know. More frequent periods followed by smaller less frequent periods. That’s supposed to be normal.It said so on the website, "Missing periods or irregular bleeding is common in the first few months, followed by shorter lighter periods." My dr said so.

So when I didn't have a period for a few months I didn't really think much of it when I finally did have a period that was more than 7 days. That is, till that 7 days turned into about 14 days and I had a huge bleed out at work that was followed by the passing of a fist sized clot.

But then again, where else was that blood going to go when I hadn't had a period in months? I mean it still cycles doesn't it? So does it just sit up there and become septic?What happens to it? Why have I been bleeding for three weeks?

if I hadn't gotten a kidney infection, gone to the ER, had a CT scan I probably never would have known that this little piece of plastic that I paid a $50.00 co-pay for,(oh, and did I mention the lab bill for the std tests that I didn't need because I don't fucking have any!) $500.00 for the IUD as well as the cost of inserting it was resting ever so precariously outside of my uterus in the lower right hand side of my pelvis. Just behind my uterus and close to the stopping point of my large intestine.

I knew it. I could feel it. I CAN feel it right now.

I had a follow up appointment with the OBGYN. I pointed to the part of my lowers where I can feel it and asked "is it right here" and he said yes. I am pointing right at it.He was very jocular in his statement that "this is somewhat common" Dr Patrick Bateman who inserted the fucker could have passed it right through my uterus. Or it could have ERRODED through on its own. It could have migrated its self right out.

Never-the-less, I must have surgery to remove this thing. Before it does something really fun like perforate my bowel or collide it's self into one of my other necessary organs. HOORAY

So far the only thing I have found on the MIRENA website about what has happened to me is this little blurb "Complications may occur from placement" I will also note that it is located in the not so bold text at the bottom of the screen. Where it is not so readily ledgeable but is good enough for legal reasons.

When I type "complications" into the search option on the web site I find this:

"Like to keep life simple? Imagine birth control you don't have to think about"

"Keep life simple with Mirena IUC contraception, including birth control and additional menstruation benefits"

"Figure out if Mirena intrauterine contraceptive is the right birth control method for you"

Funny thing is they all lead back to the home page for the website.

Here’s what really sucks.Some of you have worked for, are working for or just know about my current place of employment. We have the WORST HR EVER. I have never seen a human resources department try so hard to do as little as they can for their employees. Even going as far to having difficult employees fired.I know it happens because I have seen it.

HR supervisor has screamed at employees.

so in order for me to take any time off of work for this surgery, dr appointments involved with said surgery, or anything that means I will not be a warm body at a computer collecting revenue generating units. I need paper work filled out. The only paper work I am given is for FMLA intermittent personal leave. I had to get an appointment with my ob ASAP so I accepted an appointment that cut into my shift. In any other situation this would be an attendance point. And actually it is now, that is, until my paperwork is completed by my DR's office and taken back to HR for approval.

I bring said paper work to my dr visit. I tell the paper work lady that I need my FMLA back dated for this appointment, any other appointments needed pre/post-op that will cause me to be away from work as well as and leading up to the date of said surgery and recovery time.

My first appointment was on 03/06/08 my next will be on 03/27/08, my surgery will be on 03/27/08 and I will be allowed to return to work on 03/31/08 (given that I do not have any complications)I advise paper work lady that I cannot accept a dr's note because if I bring that to my HR department they will laugh at me and hand me the FMLA forms. They do not accept Dr's notes; it may as well be a note from my mom saying I can't go to school because I have the shits. They just won't take it.

I know this because I brought in a dr note when my blood pressure was dangerously high at the end of my pregnancy and my dr refused to allow me to go back to work. I brought in a dr note and the lady in HR, (we’ll call her April, cause that’s her name) gave me the most vacant of looks and asked what she was supposed to do with it. She said she guessed I could give it to my supervisor. It’s a fucking dr note, you take it.

I had to call in to the sick line every day for 2 weeks to ensure that I covered my tracks and still had a job before my fmla was approved.

So paper work lady says to me just fill out the paper I give you with the dates you need of and put on it intermittent leave and I’ll take care of everything else.

You are a saint paper work lady. Thank you.

I go to surgery scheduling lady and schedule my surgery. Surgery scheduled and I am out.

Moments later.....I get a call from surgery lady about my FMLA paper work.

Wait a minute surgery scheduling lady you are not paper work lady. Why are you calling me about my paper work when you should be busy scheduling things like surgeries?

Oh, you're learning how to process FMLA paper work too? Interesting. well then, I will tell you the same thing I told other paperwork lady (who I liked better by the way) I need something on this form that shows that dates that I will be away from work (including 03/06/08) for any reason that’s has to do with these proceedings. Leading up to and including: dr, visits pre and post op, surgery and recovery given there is no complications.

I tell HER that my HR department will not accept a Dr's note. She says "isn't that kind of illegal?" yes,well so is perforating someone’s uterus I am sure. I tell her I am sure there’s some sort of legal loop hole that the ride like a cheap whore because they are a large corporation.

I inform surgery scheduling/now paper working lady that if this paper work is not filled out I will get attendance points for not being at work.

Yes, you stupid bitch I am sure this too sounds illegal but also has some loosely guarded glory hole as well.

Today. I go to the OBGYN office to pick up the paper work that I have been told will be ready for me on Monday. It’s not there. Ok, maybe they have the wrong last name? Well I’m probably early that’s why it's not ready.

I go do things to kill some time.My phone rings. It’s paperwork/surgery scheduling lady. she is telling me in the fakest most sing-songy annoyingly condescending voice that they can't fill out/approve my paperwork because it does not count as necessary time off.

They can't approve it as fmla because it's a "minor" "day surgery" and not an ongoing condition.

But if I would like they can write a dr's note for me or even have a DR's dictated letter on company letter head....

I didn't even let her finish. I hung up on her. I was in my car and driving and I just pulled over, broke down and cried. If anything else goes wrong I don't know what I am going to do. I send Aaron a text telling him what’s up. And I cry. I ignore my phone which is now ringing incessantly because paper scheduling lady is calling me again and again and again. I can't compose myself I can just cry. I can hardly even write it down. It makes me cry every time.I try to compose myself enough to talk to surgery paper lady and tell her that I will have to cancel my surgery date and reschedule when I am able to get approved time off. She sounds concerned. And does the polite thing and asks if I am ok. I don't even bother to dignify her with an answer.

She goes on about the Dr's notes or the dictated letters on company letter head. And I want to tell her that in the real world that shit is has about as much clout as those paper ass-gaskets you see in every public restroom. But all I can do is cry. I can't even make words come out of my mouth I can just cry. She asks me to see if there is another piece of paperwork that I can get from HR or maybe ask them if they would accept a DR's note or dictated letter. She will keep me on the scheduling and hope for the best. I appreciate your feign sincerity.

I cry the whole way home. People are looking at me like I am fucking psycho because I am going down the free way sobbing in tears and wiping my face.

So, if I miss work for my dr's appointments without approved time off they will take from my vacation time and give me an attendance point. If I use the rest of my time I will probably still get an attendance point suck any of my float holiday time or vacation time and really be in trouble when someone other than me gets sick.

I am on a written and this other point that I got for the 6th will put me at a final if it is not backed out.

And I have to have this surgery. I can't have any complications. I have to get the time off approved without issue and I still have to get some of my vacation time approved for the week of 03/31/08 to 04/04/08 because my parents will be out of town and I need to be able to take the kids to day care.

Now, I paid/will pay Co-pay

Cost of IUD

Cost of insertion

Cost for asshole dr to administer unnecessary STD tests (asshole)

Emergency room visit

Cost of CT scanSurgery fees

Dr’s visits

Whatever else my insurance won't cover.

I am quite sure I will be paying a thousand dollars, that is if I am lucky, probably more for a useless piece of plastic. I was supposed to have 5 years of birth control and now have nothing. I have been on the rag for over a month. I’m not even sure if all this bleeding is period or a slowly leaking wound from my uterus. All because I thought I would listen to a dr. and a med company and do something different to ensure no further unplanned pregnancies. Now we do not know if I will have any further planned ones either.

Let me tell you about my IUD, the things the Dr didn’t tel me. And for Thousands of other women in this country it is the same shit that was conviently left out that they now live with every day.

Monday, February 25, 2008



this must be the month of torture.
i have this sore throat,chest cold and what i can only imagine is an urinary tract infection.

i just wanna go home. and fall into a coma and give myself some fucking rest.

i am rarely the person to get this sick. i mean i can't stand listening to those people. you know. the ones that are always sick and seem to constantly have some sort of annoying medical condition that would probably not exist if they would have been a little more proactive about their lifestyle? you know who i am talking about. the constant victim who can never seem to get above the weather.
i DO NOT want to be that person, but for the past fucking month i have been sick as hell and trying my ass off to keep it under wraps. i don't want to miss work i don't want to take medication and i don't want a fucking pity party.
but, god damn i am so sick of being sick.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


nothing so eloquently displays an emotion as good as the word fuck
it's good for sex, it's good for getting mad, it's just plain good to say. and i say it a lot.

i fucking* burned my head. twice. yesterday and today. i got this new curling iron (it fucking* rocks) it's huge and it fancies up my hair into these gigantic fucking* curls. i look amazing.
too bad i am an awkward jack ass who some how can not manage to do my hair with out hurting myself. no hand eye coordination? who fucking* knows.
so here i am, awesome hair and a burned scalp.

that tops this last week of awesome things that i will never forget.

such as:

February 19, 2008 - Tuesday
ass faucet,
i have been pissing out my ass since saturday.
as amusing as this sounds it is in fact not fun at all. actually i am scared that i am going to manage to pop a roid with all my ass pissery.
i don't know what i have but i know it is awful and everyone in my house has it. miles shit up his back yesterday. i have been doing load after load of shitty diapers. soaking them in the terlet and then washing them on mind blisteringly hot water a few times to hopefuly knock out any bacteria...maybe i'll run them through the auto clave?

To top all of this off i also have been on my period for about 3 weeks. last thursday while sitting in class i felt my crotch burp. not a fart, not a queef. it wasn't even actually any air. it was a god damned crimson tide of pure fucking evil relieveing it's self from my nethers.
as it sit in my small class of 9 and our instructor ushers us into break time i politely request the chance to take an early lunch. why you ask? because i have bled out of my crotch onto my pants and am now swimming in my own effluence. totally destroyed my fucking pants and my cute pair of undies.
i wrap my hoodie around my waist and drive home feeling a slow leek like a faulty oil gasket in a honda civic or some kind of chevy malibu

i go home take off my bloody pants and draws and happen to notice the worlds largest bloog clot hangin out from my junk, it looks like a cow just gave birth.
the fucker is about the size of a pack of smokes and i actually had to grab it to get it out.
i am so fucking gross you can't even begin to comprehend it with 100% of you faculties.
after said giant clot has been exited from my holyest of holys i encounted a steady flow of bright red fluid. it is comming out so steadily that i can feel it. a lot.
i have nothing to quell this beastly flow. no feminine product on this earth could. i don't even think those fucking diapers that they give you in the hospital could do the trick.
that is uless you're a genious like me and decide to put on a pair of boxer briefs grab a size 5 diaper from your kids stash of disposeable diapers and wedge it securely yet gently between your legs. IT DOES THE FUCKING TRICK. i can still feel a constant movement of life force from my crotch, but i am less inclined to care due tot he fact that i am sporting something that can take a whole 7-11 bladder buster and still have room for some doo doo. i wore a fucking diaper.

thats not my lowest moment in life but it's up there with that time i took a crap at the craft store and there was no tp so i had to use a reciept that i found in my purse.

these past few weeks can go fuck themselfs straight to hell

now i have a fucking cold.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

dear soulless machiene

today in blog land i decided to get a little voulentary time off of work so that i could go do something that did not consist of some jerk-off screaming in my ear.
i went and had indian food. sweet dreamy indian food. i'm in fat chick heaven.
or i would be if i hadn't been taking appetite suppressants and can't seem to manage to eat portions bigger than a slice of wonder bread.
god i fucking hate being fat.

so in the long run i guess it's worth it. the whole not eating like a fucking pig, getting controll of my diet and chloric intake. who fuckin knows maybe i'll take up jogging or some horse shit like that. probably not, but a girl can dream.

maybe if i drop enough lbs i can get some fuckin plastic surgery. (FUCK YEAH)

Monday, February 11, 2008

dear god forsaken blog,

oh how i have abandoned my blog. i have left it in the attic of the internet and allowed it to collect dusty cob webs.
i have forsaken the blogger for the greener grasses of live journal and myspace.
what a whore i really am.

fortunately for you blog, no one actually reads this. so you wouldn't know what to miss anyway.

*le sigh*

it's been a few months. some time to let my hormones simmer and cool off from having kids. i'm still fatter than i would like to be and have way more on my plate than any one person should. how i manage is far beyond what i can comprehend with 100% of my brain.

the kids are getting along nicely. they are huge and sometimes it is painfully bitter sweet to see them grow from babies to little kids. i miss teeny tiny babies that are completely content being strapped to your side in a carrier all day.

now they run around, play and little miss beats up on her brother. too stinkin cute.

the mr. is still working awful hours and it is really taking it out of him he rarely has more than about 30 min a day to spend with us before he goes off to load his 16 tons. he provides so much for our family at the expanse of never being able to see us. i am so grateful that i have such a wonderful husband who is willing to sacrifice so much so that we can have a nice place to live and nice things.
he's so dreamy*

ok. then.

i am done talking
buh bye

Thursday, September 27, 2007


I'm a people watcher. i can't help it. people amaze me. i break it down to a science. i watch how people interact in day to day life and sometimes wonder how they made it so far.
one of my favorite things to do is sit myself down in a crowded Starbucks and just listen to how people interact. sometimes in these kids of settings you can hear the filthy underbelly of how some people really are.

on one such trip i listened to an older lady (about 60ish years old) go on for about an hour about how bad Starbucks was. apparently they made her coffee incorrectly and instead of asking for a new one she just sat and bitched about how this was some sort of micro-analogy of society as a whole. how Starbucks does not want to make you the coffee you want they make the coffee that they think you should be drinking. her husband just sat there the whole time listening to her bitch. i sat and listened to her bitch and was a little disgusted that all she wanted to do was bitch and not do anything about it.

hey bitch, here's a piece of life lesson for you. get it your fucking self!
i mean seriously. why would you go to a Starbucks and bitch about the coffee for a fucking hour and not do anything to correct the issue?


on another people watching adventure i watched as two girls(15ish) spend many a minute in the mirror of a bus station bathroom priming their hair and make up to perfection.

it made me think about being that age. i remember so desperately wanting to be my own person. i was so different from other girls. i didn't dress the same. my body wasn't the same and i saw life differently. but i so wanted to be beautiful. wanted to be seen as accepted for all that i was but outstanding for what i was as well.
with out criticism. i think i hardened myself by being so different.
i would kill myself to please people. to be accepted for who i was. it was so important to me i could drown in a sea of poor self worth. very few people took the time to actually know me, the real me. just like a tortoise the shell was enough to keep people away.
i starved myself to be attractive. i got beat up to be accepted. anything.

i see now. how important it is to be beautiful. not just to yourself but for other people to see you as beautiful and seek out your individual beauty. very few people will recognize it because it comes out very seldom. those who can see it are very special people. it takes a special person to really see someones true beauty.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

dear anonymous reader.

oh my shit i have 600-something views to my blog. i wonder if anyone actually reads my shit regularly. amazing to think that someone may have this fucker book marked on their favorites and reads my inane banter.
if you do, thanks. if not, i am not offended.