Sunday, July 8, 2007

the wordy and sentimental side of me

this house is so painfully empty with out the kids here. coming home is just not the same when i am not greeted by two smiling faces and squeals of excitement.
my children have been a great blessing for me, but not with out without a barrage of self realization. both have been amazing and painful all at the same time.

upon becoming a mother you are given no hand book( not matter how many they try to publish) no real good advise and no idea how to survive 10 million sleepless nights and days.
I'm sure most people are familiar with the whole sleepless nights aspect of having kids for the simple reason that kids (believe it or not) don't always sleep through the night right out of the gut.
even if you don't have kids you are made particularly aware of this.
what most people won't tell you is that once they do sleep you stay awake worrying about why they didn't wake up...are they still breathing?..are they cold?....maybe I'll just check on the kids a couple more times before i go back to bed.
or you relish the time of peace and take advantage of the free time to do some you-time-type-stuff. cleaning,hobbies,cleaning,sex(sex, by the way, does not exist anymore.)

no one tells you that you have a person. a formed personality sponge who has a mind of their own. believe it or not your kid will have their own schedule and idea of how shit is going to be.
they have their own tastes for people,outings and food.
"what do you mean you don't like cooked,canned, and pureed peas? every body like that shit"

somewhere along the lines of growing up being a responsible person, you forget what it was like to be a kid. everything is new. they don't know that you've seen an airplane countless times it's 100% new and bad ass to them.

you forget that you have to make time for yourself or you will have no time at all. finding that even spot between mom and who you are is a very hard thing to do. it is something that i struggle with everyday. i miss my kids when they are not here, but sometimes i wish i had more free time to explore more of my own personal likes and dislikes. i never complain about not having free time because i chose mother hood. it is not something that was just thrown into my lap. it was something i accepted with open arms.

i think so many things come with that. that you never know how to fully accept all of them.
postpartum depression is huge for me. i have it. i live with it and i have no outlet for it. i have tried to tell everyone close to me that i need help and that i am no well inside of myself, but it falls upon the deafest of ears. i make time for everyone. the kids first and foremost. then the husband, then other members of our family unit and by then i have been sucked dry and there is no time for me.
i feel like a jelly fish baking on a dry beach. i have given over 100% of myself and found little reciprocity for others in the way of help.
every load of responsibility has been dropped in my lap. like..."your mom now, here's your papers, your kids and your bills. have fun with that"

i know it wasn't as simple when my grand mother did it, but life was different back then. the pinnacle of most(not all) women's life was marriage and kids. that's what you did. you worked if you had to, but not if you didn't.

now there is the unspoken social expectation that you must manage a full time CEO position, have multiple college degrees, win bread,suckle multiple mouths at your teet, look fabulous,run 10 miles, cook like a gourmet chef and fuck like a porn star.

now i can multi-task like a mother fucker, but seriously. i think i have this shit jumbling it's self around in my head every day. i have to go to work, when i get home i have to do laundry, wash the dishes, make dinner, clean the bathroom, clean the bedroom, clean the house room, clean the car, play with the kids, talk to the day care lady, make Dr's appointments, make nice with extended family.

some of these things can wait till after i see the kids, wait till after we get to play and i can put on my mommy hat and enjoy the most wonderful two people inside of my life (that's not counting my husband who makes three) watch them grow and learn.

this self realisation i was talking about is difficult at times. i forget to find myself in the everyday stressful/not-so stressful daily activities that i do regularly with out help in a mind that is a mess of hormones. holy crap

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