beauty

I'm a people watcher. i can't help it. people amaze me. i break it down to a science. i watch how people interact in day to day life and sometimes wonder how they made it so far.
one of my favorite things to do is sit myself down in a crowded Starbucks and just listen to how people interact. sometimes in these kids of settings you can hear the filthy underbelly of how some people really are.

on one such trip i listened to an older lady (about 60ish years old) go on for about an hour about how bad Starbucks was. apparently they made her coffee incorrectly and instead of asking for a new one she just sat and bitched about how this was some sort of micro-analogy of society as a whole. how Starbucks does not want to make you the coffee you want they make the coffee that they think you should be drinking. her husband just sat there the whole time listening to her bitch. i sat and listened to her bitch and was a little disgusted that all she wanted to do was bitch and not do anything about it.

hey bitch, here's a piece of life lesson for you. get it your fucking self!
i mean seriously. why would you go to a Starbucks and bitch about the coffee for a fucking hour and not do anything to correct the issue?

seriously.

on another people watching adventure i watched as two girls(15ish) spend many a minute in the mirror of a bus station bathroom priming their hair and make up to perfection.

it made me think about being that age. i remember so desperately wanting to be my own person. i was so different from other girls. i didn't dress the same. my body wasn't the same and i saw life differently. but i so wanted to be beautiful. wanted to be seen as accepted for all that i was but outstanding for what i was as well.
with out criticism. i think i hardened myself by being so different.
i would kill myself to please people. to be accepted for who i was. it was so important to me i could drown in a sea of poor self worth. very few people took the time to actually know me, the real me. just like a tortoise the shell was enough to keep people away.
i starved myself to be attractive. i got beat up to be accepted. anything.

i see now. how important it is to be beautiful. not just to yourself but for other people to see you as beautiful and seek out your individual beauty. very few people will recognize it because it comes out very seldom. those who can see it are very special people. it takes a special person to really see someones true beauty.

dear anonymous reader.

oh my shit i have 600-something views to my blog. i wonder if anyone actually reads my shit regularly. amazing to think that someone may have this fucker book marked on their favorites and reads my inane banter.
if you do, thanks. if not, i am not offended.

jessie

i miss jessie



i lost most of my friends when i had kids. most of them disowned me or just don't have time for me. because i don't really drink and go fuckin nuts every night like i used to, but jessie always has time for me. shit, he makes time for me.


( circa 2003ish lots of cocaine and cheap drinks at the boiler room)