Thursday, February 21, 2008


nothing so eloquently displays an emotion as good as the word fuck
it's good for sex, it's good for getting mad, it's just plain good to say. and i say it a lot.

i fucking* burned my head. twice. yesterday and today. i got this new curling iron (it fucking* rocks) it's huge and it fancies up my hair into these gigantic fucking* curls. i look amazing.
too bad i am an awkward jack ass who some how can not manage to do my hair with out hurting myself. no hand eye coordination? who fucking* knows.
so here i am, awesome hair and a burned scalp.

that tops this last week of awesome things that i will never forget.

such as:

February 19, 2008 - Tuesday
ass faucet,
i have been pissing out my ass since saturday.
as amusing as this sounds it is in fact not fun at all. actually i am scared that i am going to manage to pop a roid with all my ass pissery.
i don't know what i have but i know it is awful and everyone in my house has it. miles shit up his back yesterday. i have been doing load after load of shitty diapers. soaking them in the terlet and then washing them on mind blisteringly hot water a few times to hopefuly knock out any bacteria...maybe i'll run them through the auto clave?

To top all of this off i also have been on my period for about 3 weeks. last thursday while sitting in class i felt my crotch burp. not a fart, not a queef. it wasn't even actually any air. it was a god damned crimson tide of pure fucking evil relieveing it's self from my nethers.
as it sit in my small class of 9 and our instructor ushers us into break time i politely request the chance to take an early lunch. why you ask? because i have bled out of my crotch onto my pants and am now swimming in my own effluence. totally destroyed my fucking pants and my cute pair of undies.
i wrap my hoodie around my waist and drive home feeling a slow leek like a faulty oil gasket in a honda civic or some kind of chevy malibu

i go home take off my bloody pants and draws and happen to notice the worlds largest bloog clot hangin out from my junk, it looks like a cow just gave birth.
the fucker is about the size of a pack of smokes and i actually had to grab it to get it out.
i am so fucking gross you can't even begin to comprehend it with 100% of you faculties.
after said giant clot has been exited from my holyest of holys i encounted a steady flow of bright red fluid. it is comming out so steadily that i can feel it. a lot.
i have nothing to quell this beastly flow. no feminine product on this earth could. i don't even think those fucking diapers that they give you in the hospital could do the trick.
that is uless you're a genious like me and decide to put on a pair of boxer briefs grab a size 5 diaper from your kids stash of disposeable diapers and wedge it securely yet gently between your legs. IT DOES THE FUCKING TRICK. i can still feel a constant movement of life force from my crotch, but i am less inclined to care due tot he fact that i am sporting something that can take a whole 7-11 bladder buster and still have room for some doo doo. i wore a fucking diaper.

thats not my lowest moment in life but it's up there with that time i took a crap at the craft store and there was no tp so i had to use a reciept that i found in my purse.

these past few weeks can go fuck themselfs straight to hell

now i have a fucking cold.

No comments: