Three easy steps

I got an IUD.
for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a small little doo-hickey that the put into your uterus with a slow release of hormones or a copper coil that keeps you from making babies.
it hurts like a mother fucker, but totally worth it for 5-13 years of baby free love makin( or just plain ole every day fuckin, which ever you prefer)

First off. my doctor was a prick. a class "A" dick head. maybe i should rewind a little bit.

i am a baby factory and make them one right after the other (i have two) while i was in the last stages of my pregnancy my doctor,husband and i decided that it was probably a good idea to get some form of B-C that was a little more substantial than just the mini pill. so i opted for an IUD.
not a big deal 8 weeks after my delivery i am slated to get an IUD. i have a consultation visit with my obgyn for the device we talk about the goods and bads of it and decide we would like to move forward in getting this implanted. wrong.
the insurance says that they won't cover it and it'll cost me $500.00 dollars. like i have that kind of money flying out my ass.

fast forward to a few months later. i check with my insurance again and low i am covered for it $50.00 co-pay. sweet ass.
so i have to schedule another consult for my IUD. i see a doctor who is really cool. she asks a few questions.
no, i have never had an abnormal pap.
no, i have never had an STD
yes, i am married

she says great, sounds like this will be perfect with you we just have to clear it with your insurance and order it we will be calling you in about a week.
awesome.

a week or so later i get a call from that lady that works scheduling for the Dr's office. i schedule an appointment. not with my regular Dr, but some random doctor who had better scheduling that was like a few days away instead of a few weeks out. no big deal i don't mind having some random doctor take a look at my goodies.
I'm not a picky person which makes for great scheduling when it comes to vagina doctors.
my mistake.
i know i don't exactly look like the shining image of motherly opulence, but seriously.

so i get to my appointment. after waiting about an hour in the room the doctor finally comes in. he asks me if i had a pap recently. yes.
was it abnormal?no.
have you ever had an STD? no.
I.V. drug user? no.(what the fuck?)

then he begins to tell me that he's apprehensive about going forward with the procedure because he thinks it has been too long since i have had a pap and a bunch of other bull shit.
so i advise him that this form of birth controlis something that my doctor and i had agreed was the best bet for me (outside of tieing the ole tubes) as a form of preventing any further unplanned pregnancies.

so he asks me if i have ever had gonorrhea or chlamydia. nope. syphilis? NO.
i tell him i was tested for all of these things when i was pregnant. I'm starting to wonder what the fuck this asshole is trying to get at . told him i have had a total of two consults for this and both doctors thought it was a good idea.
he finally tells me (after almost making me cry) that he's going to do it, but he wants to first test me for chlamydia,gonorrhea and syphilis any way and if i come back positive then I'm going to have to come back for treatment and they'll have to take the device out.
hey, way to go asshole. good job at making yourself look like a real prick.
i tell him that i am married and have been with the same person for years. it's like i am talking to a wall.

so, i am on my back getting swapped and scraped for diseases i KNOW i don't have. this is uncomfortable in it's own right even if i was just there for a routine check up. it would still be uncomfortable. then on top of it all i got to sit through this guy opening up my cervix and inserting a plastic device into my uterus. ouch, by the way. it hurts just about as bad as labor pains and for a few days. it was like a bad cash for sex operation. i felt like that hooker from American psycho. i get all opened up and treated like shit then he has the balls to say, i left a pad on the chair for you so you don't bleed on your clothes.
thanks Patrick Bateman.

what a DICK! DICK! DICK!!!!

you're an asshole.

well to add insult to injury i haven't been able to take a shit since.
i don't know if the cramping fucked with my intestines or what, but i have been taking laxatives for days and still nothing.

what the fuck